Apparently, sometime in the last year, Mark Zuckerberg’s Brain-Computer Interface, the DoD’s invisibility cloak projects, and a proprietary goop designed with input from Gwyeneth Paltrow have been integrated into every smartphone with 4G LTE capability. Whenever your phone receives 4G LTE signal, invisible goop tendrils actually extend out of your phone’s charging port and attach to your occipital lobe to form a Brain-Computer interface that allows the NSA to read your mind. It seems there is one company that has gotten wind of the NSA’s plots prior to PIA – Meizu is still the only smartphone manufacturer attempting to make a phone without charging ports.
It is revealed in the documents that this plot was likely proposed to the NSA by a particularly large illegal international smuggling ring that focused on LTE sim cards, The group is led by four shadowing figures and that have been tagged by Interpol as the 4 G’s of LTE. They are currently facing RICO charges in 4 continents but that hasn’t stopped the NSA from leaping on this incredible technology.
Does the NSA mind reading hack only apply to 4G LTE?
The researchers that discovered the leaked documents also conducted their own analysis on the attacks. They hacked into the closest 4G LTE tower to them and were able to use the techniques learned from the leaked documents to actually read the minds of their colleagues. In fact, though these papers were discovered last month, the release of the analysis results were delayed until April 1st because of all the drama that the research team had to go through when they could read each others’ minds. One scientist even seems to have broken down and left a cryptic message in the footnotes of the team’s analysis notes that made it to publication:
“I now know what it means to double-think. To think one thing and say another. Am I musing or am I typing right now – I forgot!”
What’s worse, the researchers confirmed that the mind reading techniques actually get stronger on more advanced networks. By the time 5G rolls out around the world, the NSA will be able to see what you’re seeing through your eyes. By the time 6G rolls out, they’ll be able to introduce thoughts into your head voiced by whoever they want from your contacts list. Needless to say, the future is looking kind of grim.
According to the leaked documents, the technology has been dubbed “Forcibly Observe Occipital Lobe” or F.O.O.L. for short. The good news, is that researchers confirmed this technology only works on the first day of April each year.
Just in case you didn’t figure it out already, this is an April Fool’s joke. However, government surveillance is not a joke. Don’t be a fool when you go online – always use protection!